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Taking care of yourself

Day-to-day life

Supporting a patient in intensive care can turn many aspects of life upside down: emotions, everyday routines, psychological wellbeing (stress, anxiety and the difficulty of living with uncertainty) and physical health (loss of appetite, fatigue, muscle tension and more).

Everyone finds their own ways and resources to get through this difficult period and adapt to the situation. The suggestions below come from family members and friends who found them helpful.

If you have found other resources that are not listed here, please share them with us using this form, and we will add them to the page.

Keep moving



Go for a walk. On the way to the hospital, get off public transport one stop early; on the way home, walk to the next stop before getting back on. This can help you decompress.

Get some fresh air



Leave the house for reasons other than visiting the patient.
Allow yourself to take a walk, move your body and look at the sky.

Eat



When you can eat and your appetite returns, take the opportunity.
Try to eat a balanced diet, while also choosing food you genuinely feel like eating.

Sleep



Try to go to bed at a regular time.
Limit stimulants such as caffeine.
Sleep when you can, including taking naps if helpful.

Decide how much information you want




You do not have to know everything all the time or always be on the front line. Decide when you want to receive updates, and tell people clearly.

Keep a private journal



Put your emotions, feelings and worries down on paper. This may help you step back and get anxious thoughts out of your head.

Breathe



Take time to breathe. Inhale slowly and exhale slowly, while trying to relax your shoulders, neck and jaw.

Talk



Talk about what you are going through with someone who will listen without judging, or with a mental health professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Focus on small wins



Take one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel glad when you can, and notice and celebrate small improvements while remaining realistic.

Let go of what you cannot control




Some things are within your control and others are not. Focus your energy on the things you can influence.

Take some space



You may feel overwhelmed by messages from people asking for news. Give yourself permission to reply only once a day, and let people know that this is what you need.

Take one day at a time




Focus on the present: the day ahead, the tasks that need doing and today’s progress. Try not to project too far into the future.

Plan the essentials




Plan meals, medical appointments and other essential activities in advance. This can help preserve a sense of control.

Ask for help




Ask someone to listen, and consider what could be delegated. Friends and family are often reluctant to intrude but are glad to be given a concrete way to help.

Take turns




Leaving the patient’s bedside can bring feelings of guilt. Arranging for someone else to sit with them can make it easier to step away and rest.

Build a support network




Create a group chat with people who can help, support you or take some pressure off. Do not be afraid to make clear, practical requests.

Keep everyday routines




In the face of adversity and uncertainty, familiar routines can become a resource: a point of reference, a safe space and a reassuring sense of normality.

Allow yourself brief escapes

Go to the cinema, lose yourself in another story or catch up with the characters in a favourite series. Give yourself permission to take a break from reality.

Céline’s story

Taking care of yourself for the long haul

More stories on Second Life

Do not feel guilty about not staying at your loved one’s bedside 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You need time to rest, and your loved one also needs time to recover.

By looking after yourself, you are also helping your loved one. 

The care team is with your loved one at all times and, if you ask, will contact you when needed or if their condition changes. Your presence at the bedside is valuable, but your loved one may need you most when they wake up and after they leave intensive care. Protect your own wellbeing too. An intensive care stay can be a marathon, and pacing yourself is important if you are to avoid becoming overwhelmed.

Talk to the care team and tell them about any fears you have when leaving your loved one’s room. Their reassurance may help you feel able to step away and take care of yourself. 

Be clear about what you would like: in which situations you want to be called and whether there are particular times when you would prefer to receive calls.

If you lose your appetite, have difficulty sleeping, find yourself constantly dwelling on the situation, or simply feel that you need support, it is important to ask for help.

  • Could someone close to you help with shopping or cooking? 
  • Try to find someone with whom you can talk about what you are going through. Do not face the situation alone. This might be a friend, a family member or a healthcare professional such as your GP or a psychologist. 
  • It is common to feel very alone and to believe that nobody can understand what you are experiencing. Sometimes, however, making one simple request is enough to open the door to support from others.


You can also simply share this page with people who ask how they can help: Supporting family and friends

If you are the primary family contact…

If the patient has a large circle of family and friends, many people will naturally be concerned and want regular updates. Although their presence can be a valuable source of support, answering each person individually can also become exhausting. It may help to create an information chain or take turns sharing updates so that the responsibility does not fall entirely on you. Give yourself permission to step back and hand over when you need to. At times, it is important to think about something else and create a little distance from intensive care. Although this is not its primary purpose, an ICU diary can also help pass on information. Learn more about the ICU diary.

The role of family and friends

Before and after an ICU visit

Visits to intensive care and seeing someone you love in an ICU room can be emotionally demanding. A few simple strategies may help you manage the tension surrounding these visits. As always, choose whatever feels right and calming for you.

Get some fresh air



Before and/or after your ICU visit, walk outside for a few minutes. Notice the air, wind and temperature, look at the sky and trees, and reconnect with the world around you.

Breathe



Take one long breath in and one long breath out as you enter the ICU, relaxing your shoulders and jaw. Repeat this just before entering the patient’s room.

Pack an ICU bag



Bring a bottle of water, a snack, a charger, a notebook, a pen, earplugs and headphones.
… Make a short list of the essentials that will make visits easier for you.

Do not try to take everything in



Focus on your loved one—their face, their hand or a photograph. Close your eyes and concentrate on touch. Simply be there for them.

Use a shared calendar




Coordinate visits with the patient’s other family members and friends so that you can take turns being present and each have time to rest.

Protect your senses



An ICU can be an intensely stimulating environment. Reduce sensory overload by wearing earplugs or closing your eyes for a moment.

Take breaks



Step out for a coffee in the hospital cafeteria or a nearby café, or take a short walk around the building.

Share how it felt



Before and/or after an ICU visit, send a brief message to someone you trust: “I’ve just left the ICU. It was hard. You don’t need to reply—I just needed to share that.”

Write for the patient



Use the patient’s ICU diary to record the life continuing around them—at home, in the ICU room and in the wider world.

Simply be there



Rest your hand on the bed, the blanket or the patient’s hand. Sit quietly and accept that you do not always have to “do” something.

Take a warm shower



After an ICU visit, take a shower when you get home and imagine that you are washing the day away.

Do not hesitate to ask for psychological support. Most ICUs have a psychologist as part of the team, including to support patients’ families and friends. 

If this is not the case in your unit, or if the psychologist is unavailable, you can use the French “Mon soutien psy” programme , which provides access to 12 reimbursed psychology sessions per year.

Ségolène’s story

The value of psychological support in intensive care

More stories on Second Life

Resources to explore while listening to your own needs

Made available free of charge to the 101 Fund by Petit BamBou

What is mindfulness meditation?

Mindfulness meditation is a secular practice that involves intentionally paying attention to the present moment without judgement.

 

In practical terms, it means taking a few moments to notice physical sensations, emotions, thoughts and the surrounding environment. This can help us be more present with ourselves and with other people, rather than operating on autopilot.
It can also help us distinguish between what we are actually experiencing and the mental interpretations, judgements and commentary that often add unnecessary distress or suffering.
Mindfulness is accessible to everyone and can be learnt through formal meditation, such as guided sessions, or through informal practice during everyday activities.

3-minute guided meditation

10-minute body scan 

Why try breathing exercises?

 

Taking a few minutes to breathe differently can involve two slightly different approaches:

  • breathing naturally and mindfully, with an attitude of curiosity;
  • paying attention to your breathing and the physical sensations associated with it;
  • or breathing in a controlled way by deliberately making small changes to your breathing.

Depending on the exercise, this might involve lengthening the out-breath or including brief pauses between breathing in and breathing out.

 

These exercises can help in two ways. First, they anchor your attention in your breathing, giving your mind a break from repetitive thoughts or anxiety-provoking scenarios. Second, they have an immediate physiological effect that varies with the exercise—for example, slowing the heart rate or helping you regain energy.

Cardiac coherence is one form of paced breathing. It involves breathing in and out for the same length of time, usually five seconds each. This slows the breathing rate and helps synchronise breathing, heart activity and the brain. The body receives a signal of safety and can use less energy.

3 minutes of cardiac coherence breathing 

What is Petit BamBou?

Petit BamBou is an app offering guided meditation and breathing sessions, along with tools for practising independently.
The app is free to download and includes freely accessible content for people beginning or continuing their practice.
Several subscription options provide access to the full catalogue of themed programmes
covering areas such as sleep, emotions and children’s wellbeing.
Learn more about Petit BamBou / Petit BamBou on the Apple App Store / Petit BamBou on Google Play