When someone close to you is in intensive care, it is entirely natural to feel unsure of what to do. The unfamiliar ICU environment, uncertainty about the situation and the anxiety you may be experiencing can make it difficult to find your place and understand your role—especially alongside a highly skilled team that is often extremely active and present during the first few days. In societies that value action and rapid problem-solving, this sense of helplessness can be particularly hard. Yet there are many genuinely helpful things you can do to support your loved one.
As a visitor, you may need time before you feel comfortable enough in the ICU environment. Do not force yourself. Take your time and allow yourself to become familiar with the setting gradually. This page is intended to help counter the sense of helplessness that people often feel beside someone who is critically ill in intensive care. Choose the ideas that speak to you or seem most appropriate for what your loved one would want. You do not need to try or explore everything: you know better than anyone what feels right for you and for the patient.
If you have other suggestions, please share them through this form, and we will add them to the page.
One of the simplest things you can do is bring in a few personal belongings.
If the patient is conscious, bring quiet forms of entertainment. Even avid readers often find it difficult to concentrate on books in intensive care. Choose accessible reading material, music, films or entertaining television series that can offer a brief escape from the ICU environment.
Whatever their level of consciousness, it can be helpful to bring:
-Their favourite perfume or aftershave,
-Their usual toiletries (shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, razor, hairbrush and so on),
-Something to keep their skin moisturised (cream or massage oil),
-Their glasses, hearing aids or dentures, which can be especially important,
-And perhaps a washable blanket or shawl that they particularly like.
These items help the team personalise care and continue treating the patient as an individual, even while they are unconscious. They also give your loved one something familiar to reconnect with when they regain consciousness, which can be extremely reassuring.
Please note, however, that personal items not needed for the patient’s daily care, such as jewellery or other valuables, will be returned to you or placed in the hospital safe.
It can be difficult to know what to say at the bedside of someone who is unconscious or unable to answer because they are receiving mechanical ventilation. You can give them news about friends, family and events connected with their interests.
You might also talk about holidays, shared experiences and good memories, or discuss things you could do together after intensive care.
It does not matter if emotion makes it difficult to speak. Observe the patient, try to see whether they understand you, and look for a form of communication that works between you. This may require patience and perseverance, but some form of connection is always possible.
Talk about anything and everything, as though theywere having a conversation with you. Tell them about ordinary parts of your day and small, everyday stories: anything that helps them reconnect with reality or mentally escape the ICU is worthwhile.
Read a book, a poem, a magazine or messages fromfamily and friends. Even if the patient cannot follow every detail, hearing a familiar voice can still be valuable at a difficult time.
If you are a musician, you can of course play for them. More simply, you can bring something they can use to listen to music, such as a small radio or headphones.
Marie-Clémentine’s story
The importance of entertainment—and one particularly effective example
Céline’s storySupporting a patient in intensive care
Visualisation techniques:
Your knowledge and sensitivity as someone close to the patient can greatly help the care team identify pain or discomfort. At the same time, it is important not to make these issues the sole focus of every conversation. The patient spends all day in the difficult world of intensive care. One of the most valuable things you can offer is a mental escape through conversations, memories and daydreams tailored to their interests and wishes.
Communication with the patient is essential. It maintains a connection with life outside the ICU and helps build the trust that is so important in supporting them.When speech is not possible, non-verbal communication and body language can still convey information and emotion in both directions.
Your posture, expression and gaze may speak volumes. The body reflects emotions spontaneously, and a patient who cannot communicate verbally may become especially sensitive to your emotional state.Your voice is often the first point of connection: its tone, the intention conveyed by your gaze, facial expressions, touch and even a simple smile can all help you relate to the patient and communicate feelings and messages.
Communication may remain difficult even when your loved one is conscious, particularly if they are intubated and therefore unable to speak. If their condition allows, they may be able to write, spell out a word by pointing to letters or numbers, or select from words you have written in advance. Ask closed questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no” whenever possible. Giving the patient a way to communicate is essential.
With the care team’s agreement, you can also personalise the walls of the room. Photographs and drawings help preserve a connection with the outside world and can provide comfort.
Keeping an ICU diary (see the dedicated section) can be extremely helpful if your loved one experiences a period of coma, sedation or confusion.
Michèle’s storyThe vital importance of family and friends
You may be able to help the team provide simple personal care, such as massaging your loved one’s hands or feet, brushing their hair, applying their perfume, or even helping to wash their hair if their condition allows. Whenever possible, ask the patient whether they agree and whether what you are doing feels comfortable; they will find a way to express their wishes. For safety reasons, participation is not always possible, so always ask the care team for permission first.
You may also be asked to leave the room while painful procedures are carried out, in order to protect you from the distress that witnessing them could cause.
Katia’s storyThe comfort of touch
An intensive care stay can be a strange experience for the patient, especially if they go through one or more periods of coma or confusion. They may have hallucinations or develop unusual beliefs. ICU delirium is common and can result from the illness itself or from treatments. It usually improves as the patient’s condition gets better, although they may retain strange or unsettling memories. Do not hesitate to talk about these experiences with them.
Allowing the patient to describe hallucinations or fears, while reassuring them, may help them feel calmer during their stay. Talking about these memories after discharge can also reassure them that ICU delirium is a common, recognised complication of critical illness and intensive care.
Learn more about the patient’s experience
If religious faith or spirituality is important to your loved one, tell the care team. At a difficult time, it may be a significant source of strength. Many ICUs can arrange a visit from a chaplain or other faith representative. You may also bring spiritual or religious objects, which the care team can help you place in an appropriate part of the room.