Support through bereavement

Some guidance as you navigate grief

When the person dies

The moment someone close to you dies can be the greatest shock, often felt physically before it can be understood intellectually. Bereaved people sometimes describe feeling numb, stunned or frozen by the intensity of the emotion, unable to react or speak. If you feel guilt or regret, talk about it with the medical team, your GP and/or a psychologist. These feelings are common and may ease when you receive clear explanations about the circumstances of the death. Guilt can make grief more difficult and prolonged, so it is important not to carry it alone.

The funeral

A funeral can be an intensely emotional occasion. It may feel almost unbearable because it makes the separation final, but it also provides an opportunity to say goodbye and to be surrounded by care and affection. Take time to consider what matters to you and how you would like the funeral to reflect the person’s wishes, your own wishes and your beliefs. Ask for help both with the arrangements and with everyday tasks.

The grieving process

Grief is a deeply personal and unsettled period that takes time, energy and inner adjustment. Moments of intense pain may alternate or coexist with moments of calm, in a pattern that is different for everyone. Learning to live with the person’s absence is long and difficult. Give yourself time and try to be patient and compassionate with yourself and others. Grieving does not mean forgetting. It means gradually accepting that life has changed and learning to live with the scar left by the loss.

As you move through grief, you may experience many different feelings and reactions:

Helplessness and exhaustion: You may feel completely emptied, overwhelmed or as though you are functioning on autopilot and held to life only by habit. Support from others and maintaining a small amount of activity can sometimes bring comfort.
Denial: The mind may protect itself by temporarily blocking out the reality of the loss. You may behave as though the person were still present. This usually passes and can give you time before facing a reality that is still too painful. It may be difficult for others to understand and can make communication strained.
Physical symptoms: Grief can affect the body. You may feel generally unwell, have insomnia, headaches, stomach pain or loss of appetite. Your movements and thoughts may feel slower because so much of your energy is turned inward and towards the person who died. A doctor may be able to treat specific symptoms, and eating with someone else can sometimes help stimulate appetite.
Anger and protest: You may feel injustice, anger or a constant need to understand what happened, perhaps even searching for someone to blame. Psychological support can help you work through this anger and gradually come to terms with the reality of the loss.
Guilt: You may repeatedly think about what you did or did not do. Many people experience guilt as one of the most painful, persistent and complex parts of grief. Speaking with a professional may help you distinguish understandable regret from responsibility that is not yours to carry.
Everyday reminders: At first, ordinary life may be full of reminders: familiar places, seeing a happy family, birthdays and celebrations. Tell people close to you what these moments bring up. Allow yourself to cry and to receive comfort and affection.
Loneliness and despair: Severe emotional distress can leave you feeling hopeless, depressed and unable to enjoy anything, or dreading each new day. You may fear that you are losing your mind or have thoughts of not wanting to live. These feelings reflect the intensity of your pain and require support. Telling someone can be difficult, but it is very important. Contact a qualified professional such as a psychologist, psychiatrist or your GP without delay.

Someone close to you has died. How can life continue?

Give yourself permission to grieve, express sadness and cry. You are neither weak nor abnormal: you are bereaved.
Accept that you may feel limited and tired: grief uses a great deal of energy, and sleep can give the mind space to process what has happened.
Do not isolate yourself. Talk to people you trust and explain what you need. At times you may want to speak about the person; at others you may need a complete change of subject.
Look after yourself: rest, eat as well as you can and ask for help with everyday responsibilities.
Notice the people and activities that help. Make room for those meetings and activities.
Set modest, concrete goals. “I will eat a proper meal today”, “I will walk to the park” or “I will go swimming” is more achievable than “I must feel better”. Every small step through sadness reconnects you with life.
Do not let others dictate how you should grieve. People may offer a great deal of advice because they want to help. Some of it will suit you and some will not. You are the best judge of what you need.
Postpone major, irreversible decisions where possible: changing career, moving home, divorcing or moving abroad. Acute grief is rarely the best time to make choices you may later regret.

It is normal not to want to talk about the person all the time, and to appreciate being somewhere where nobody knows what has happened. As time passes, moments of happiness will usually become more frequent. Do not feel guilty: you are allowed to feel happy.

You may also find grief more difficult than expected. Some circumstances increase the risk of prolonged grief disorder, in which intense grief continues over time and prevents a return to everyday life. Ask your GP for help. They can assess your symptoms, offer treatment when appropriate and refer you to specialist support. You can also contact a psychologist directly. It is entirely understandable to need a professionally trained and emotionally neutral person to listen after a devastating loss.

Grief in children

Helping a child after someone close to them dies:

Answer questions simply and honestly without feeling that you must have every answer.
Show the child that death is something they are allowed to talk about.
Listen to what the child says about the person and about their emotions. Recognise and accept those feelings and offer reassurance.
Use clear language about death. Avoid describing it as sleep or a journey, which may imply that the person will wake up or return.
Reassure the child about their own safety and the safety of other people close to them.

Further information: talking to a child about death

Funerals

A funeral can be a supportive opportunity for the family to gather, but it may also feel overwhelming for a young child. A separate family time for remembrance can be a meaningful alternative.

If the child wishes to attend, explain clearly what will happen and the emotions they may see. Make sure a calm, trusted adult can stay with and support them throughout the day.

Further information on supporting children after a death

Books that may support you through grief

« Aimer, perdre, grandir, assumer les difficultés et les deuils de la vie » by Jean Monbourquette, Bayard / Centurion, 1995: written as a compassionate companion and practical guide rather than an academic work.
« Le deuil. Comment y faire face ? Comment le surmonter ? » by Nadine Beautheac, Seuil, 2001: practical guidance and information to help bereaved people understand the importance of experiencing this period in their own way.
« Quand le deuil survient. 80 questions et réponses » by Roger Régnier and Line Saint-Pierre, Sciences et culture, Montréal, 2000: answers to frequently asked questions, offering information, support and comfort.
« Vivre le deuil au jour le jour : réapprendre à vivre après la mort d’un proche » by Dr Christophe Fauré, J’ai lu, 2001: a psychological guide for bereaved people and those supporting them, explaining grief and the feelings it can generate.
« Parler de la mort » by Françoise Dolto, Mercure de France, 1998: a lecture exploring how to speak about death with people who are dying, people who no longer wish to live, bereaved people and children.